


to be alone with you

by mikeywaters



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Character Study, M/M, No Angst, Period Typical Attitudes, Unspoken Love, it was the 50s okay this isn't an au they aren't gonna be openly gay and in love, its not really mentioned but it's important to me, neil is autistic and todd has adhd, somewhat of a character study tbh, the poets are good friends, this mostly sticks to canon but very open ended and gayer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:15:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27402598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikeywaters/pseuds/mikeywaters
Summary: a brief look into neil and todd's relationship
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 2
Kudos: 57





	to be alone with you

Looking back, there wasn't a specific moment Todd could pinpoint as the moment he fell in love with Neil. He supposed in a way, it was always there. For him, at least, to know Neil Perry was to love him. 

There was something to be said about the way Neil seemed to complete Todd. Not in the simplified, over romanticised way so many people are quick to label their fleeting relationships with though, no. What Neil brought to Todd was something so  _ new _ and  _ special _ it was hard to believe anyone had ever experienced it before. 

At first he resented him for it in a way. Neil was bright and passionate in the places Todd was dull and reserved. He was the sun and Todd was the moon. 

Neil saw something in him though, something Todd didn't even know he held inside of himself. Neil’s determination for Todd to see in himself what Neil saw in him was intimidating at first, Todd even tried to distance himself wherever it was possible, fearing the day Neil gave up and realised that Todd was the lost cause he saw himself as. This didn't last long, Neil Perry’s passion was an impenetrable force. 

It seemed as though Neil and the universe were secretly plotting against him when Keating pulled Todd up in class and employed his strange teaching techniques to get Todd to recite an original poem. Figuratively the equivalent of throwing a child in a pool with no floating device to teach them to swim, against all odds though, it seemed to be exactly what Todd didn't know he needed. Because finally,  _ finally _ fear couldn't hold Todd back. 

And  _ Finally  _ Neil got to see exactly what he knew Todd was capable of, what he knew Todd held inside of him. And for the first time, Todd saw it too. 

From that moment the bond the two had was impenetrable and likely impossible to comprehend from an outsider's perspective. Neither boys paid much mind, though. 

Logically, Todd knew he was in love with Neil. There were no other words to describe it, although he wished there was something  _ better, bigger _ to sum up how he felt for Neil. 

He finally knew now though, what the poets were writing about. He found it hard to write about anything else, finding himself scribbling sonnets in the borders of his essays on multiple occasions before erasing them in case anyone saw. 

Neil was more direct with his feelings, unguarded with the gazes he directed only at Todd. Quoting romantic Shakespearean sonnets that made little sense to Todd just to watch the way his face became tinged with pink. 

Neither boys were subtle in the way they cared for one another, and yet the poets let it go unsaid. Sticking to sharing fond, knowing glances when Neil and Todd were wrapped up in their own little world as they so often were. Even Charlie who found it hard to keep his mouth shut about  _ anything _ seemed to silently agree that what Neil and Todd had was entirely too special to be summed up or spoken aloud. It was just  _ them _ . 

Besides, the world was cruel and cold as the snow that covered the school grounds during winter. To acknowledge it would be to open it up to scrutiny and risk losing it all together, and all of the dead poets knew how much Neil and Todd  _ needed  _ each other, so it stayed a comfortable understanding among the Dead Poets Society. 

The two boys spent their days in between classes grabbing any chance to be alone together, sharing unfinished poems or pieces of literature that reminded them of the other and running off to run lines for Neil’s play, far enough from the school grounds that thoughts of exams and professors and expectations could no longer weigh them down and they were free to just be Neil and Todd.

“I love this.” Neil had exclaimed one afternoon, chasing Todd through the grass as they recited  _ A Midsummer Night's Dream _ to one another.

“What, me?” Todd teased, and Neil may have scoffed and instead gone on to make a speech about how he loved acting because it made it possible for him to lead hundreds of exciting lives but they both knew the answer was  _ Yes. Yes Todd I love you, if it were possible every hour of my life would be spent like this, with you. A hundred exciting lives would never amount to one lifetime with you by my side, always.  _ It stayed unsaid, but that didn't make it less real for the two of them.

Their nights were spent in a dark cave in the forest, laughs shared and poetry read between friends that felt more like family only to return in the night, hearts still beating out of their chests from adrenaline and the high that only came from running through a forest past curfew with your best friends.

Neil and Todd would return to their dorm and to the calm peace that seemed to fall naturally whenever they were in each other's presence. After a night of being so open and vulnerable it felt strange to be in their beds alone in the dark while the other half of their soul was just on the other side of the room, staring at the same ceiling. If they migrated to each other during the night, limbs curling around each other to fit on the small beds, shaky hands finding each other in the dark and holding on for dear life, neither boy would acknowledge it once the sun came up.

And if, in a moment of passion derived from Neil being overcome by excitement about his play and acting, he grasped Todd's face in both hands and pressed their lips together, well they  _ certainly  _ didn't talk about that either.

But then again, they hadn't needed to. 

It was an unspoken truth that Neil Perry and Todd Anderson were in love. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> this really is a result of adhd formed hyperfixation and chugging an energy drink and not being able to sleep at 2am so i hope and pray its coherant


End file.
